A predicament

I didn't mean to hurt dad. What happened to me when I was 9 was basically two people who have loved each other, who have tried to make a life together, however imperfectly, have broken apart years ago.

Parents who are divorcing often get sucked into a nasty competition when it comes to the kids, with each parent vying for custody of the kids. Once the arrangement is set, the kids shuffle between Mom's and Dad's respective houses, while the parents often avoid asking the kids what they want to do or with whom they want to live. Well, the truth is that there are endless misconceptions about divorce and its effect on kids. My divorced parents maintain a bitter relationship post-divorce and talk badly about each other to me, have made me suffer great anxiety and distress.

The reason why i became so blunt now was because situation have made me to react in such a way. Once kids reach the puberty years, they start to have a more active social life. As kids start to develop the beginnings of an adult identity, and they start to make some of their own decisions. As they reach adolescence, kids of divorced parents understandably want more control over their environment, including where and with whom they live. Plus, as kids get older, the homework increases and their extracurricular activities become more involved. In other words, gathering all their stuff and dragging everything from one house to the other gets difficult. If a child in this situation doesn't particularly want to live with one of the parents, the child will become resentful.

If you are a parent who shares joint custody with your ex and your child is approaching the teenage years, set your own feelings and ego aside and ask your child how he or she feels about the living arrangements. Sure, it can be awfully hurtful to give up time with a child you adore, but sometimes letting someone go (a little) is the best way to show your love for them. Most importantly, divorced parents need to remember that the child did not choose for his or her parents to get married or divorced, so they should suffer as little as a possible as a result of the failed relationship.

I'm done, tired of every single thing.

To me there is no such thing as a "broken family." Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.
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over time, the pain nvr goes away....

I honestly don't know if I'm even heading towards the right direction in life right now. When it comes to sharing what happened about the separation of my parents to my friends, I seem to come off as a brave a girl trying to take a stand in what I think is right. And even how right I may be, that does not simply mean that I can actually fulfill my wants. I have a right to meet mom whenever i want to but why does it feel so wrong to run away from dad each time i want to meet her? That is exactly my point. I'm still incapable of taking things under my own hands. It wasn't my choice to live this kind of way either.

I feel so tired and sick of whats been happening to me. Its been 7 years ever since the separation ended and just as I thought things would get better, it never did. If it wasn't because of age factor, I wouldn't be facing the same problems. All I need is understanding from both parties. And I need you to know, mom and dad, this is the mistake you two have made and I.... siblings and myself are paying for that.

Countless times I wish I could run away from the fact that my life has ended up this way but who am I kidding, things would only get worse. Physically and mentally tired. Please Mom&Dad, stop questioning, give us a break. Im JUST TOO TIRED.


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chan rak ter..

It pains me to think back how much we've gone through. It pains me to realise that nothing have changed. And that I'm still the one holding on while he lets go. I didn't stop loving him, not even a bit. It pains me to know everything was built on a lie after all. It pains me to know I'm the only one in love after all. If only you could see yourself in my eyes, you would never look at me the same again. Despite how broken I've been, I still find the strength to love you. I overlooked your flaws and love you beyond your imperfections.. because I see you as someone who brings out the best in me. But all this feelings I have inside of me, I shall keep it to myself. Because people change and more than often not a single thing could make them change their mind. You appeared in my dream every single night. 

 I may not be your type, I may not be what you expected, I may not be good enough for you. Its okay. Its perfectly okay. Because I was dumb. Because I was right from the start.. That lucky girl would never be me. What was I thinking?  I'll never be pretty enough or smart or beautiful enough for you. What goes through your mind when you held my hand? How do you feel being around me? What was that feeling when you knew I was going out with somebody else? Most importantly, why do you see a future with someone you don't love? I do have tons of flaws. I have been this way for the past months you have known me. I was the same person I'd been all this while. I was that same girl you held hands with. I was that same girl you chased over. I didn't change, not a bit. Until the day you start realising whats love, you'll stop blaming yourself. But please know that if there comes a day whereby I need to walk away, it was never what I wanted, but because I had to. Leaving you was never a part of me, Charlie.
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Time heals

Afternoon. Seems like the weather isn't in any good mood. 

 I'm left with a week until school reopens. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it. Apparently my timetable looks as shitty as it could be. The thought of waking up for school at 8 am on Mondays is so heart-wrenching. I'm glad by the fact that the main exams are set every 6 months. Wouldn't want the papers and book to pile up in my room between the breaks. Just a thought; if I could retake O levels, I would definitely take Combined Humans seriously. I DIDN'T EXPECT IT TO BE SO IMPORTANT AFTER ALL.

Thanks to my obstinacy of refusing to learn about the past. Having the mindset that the history is of paltry importance. While my ornery had blown any chance of me chasing my dream. For now I'm praying hard that I would get Introduction to Psychology as my cross disciplinary subject. That's how close I can get to learning something I'm interested in. Poly life seems dull given the fact I'm in a course I have zero interest in. 

 I was foolish to think that over time, I would probably build up interest for the course. I end up hating it more. I divulge to screwing up some modules on purpose by not attending lectures and such and that my results could have been better but I wouldn't say they were bad either. I would love to jump course if I could but the process would be vexatious to dad and me especially since I'm capricious minded.

 I couldn't be completely sure if its a decision worth making after all. He knows best, there's definitely a perfect explanation to why I was placed into this course in the first place. I haven't been working much lately and it feels kinda good not to. That if I don't go out because going out means spending. No work means no money. Its alright staying at home i guess, I would need all the rest i could get before all hell breaks loose.

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sleepless nights

Lets pretend that for the last few months i have not been the kind of person who resorts to wishing on the ridiculous 11:11 or hurting myself by cutting. Lets pretend that life has been going on perfectly well. My love for school has abate over time. Times like this i can safely say that i have been abandoning my duties and countless times i have reminded myself i cant abdicate such responsibility. My ornery to sleep early at night have caused me to become a real cranky and uptight person lately. Although i have always hated home where mom is nowhere to be found, i still anticipate going home to indulge in my helper's scrumptious cooking everyday after school.

I had to admit i was on the verge of seeking serious help from the school Councillor but thanks to my mulish attitude i just could not  bring myself to it. Its been months ever since i last written a blog. That dream of mine which is to publish a book by the age of 21 has slowly diminished. I got too busy that i didn't really know where i was heading in life. Those 'future' talks seem eerie and bloodcurdling. A damage i would not want my brain to undergo resulting in thoughts that will only keep me up all night.

The fact that i'm still 16 and have yet to even complete my studies. Lets not talk about the future what about a year from now, would i still be breathing. Life is to short, live it well, live for today. Yep got that from a book i read a few months back.

Currently i'm hooked to this book called "After You" A deep beautiful story which talks about the life of Sophie who lost her mom. How it turned her life upside down. The fact that her dad have secretly fallen in love with her mom's best friend simply added salt to her wound. She grew up however to become a brave and strong woman. I could somehow relate parts of the story especially during her early years. Reading stories about what happen to others have the ability to make me forget about mine even for just a little while.

I am forgetting something today, its pay day!!!!!! Been quite prodigal lately. I really need to contain my spending but how. I shall eradicate the post now before i spout more nonsence goodnight xx
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